Confusion And Decision

I am so so so confused today! And that made me sad. I promised that whatever happens I will always remain happy, keep smiling. The starting of the day was not that like this. Indeed it was brilliant, great and absolutely amazing! While coming to the office I was thinking of something important and beautiful to do. And while I was swinging my mood between two poles suddenly I get a sign. Someone walks up to me in a signal and gives me a cute compliment. They really made my day and helped me gather the strength to do that important thing. Best part was yet to come. I come to the office and think that I will do that task in the evening before leaving. But things had to become better. The job got done early in the morning only. Or at least the process started. And then the whole day went quite good.

It was in the late evening when things started to become uneasy. I had quite a few tasks on my hand. And all those were important. I was going to take them on one by one and step by step. Then I got a call. People are going to the Ashram and Guruji is leaving tomorrow. So I should go also. Initially I agree, and then remember of the tasks. So hesitate little bit but finally prepare to go and thus reschedule the tasks. But as it got little late to start of, my mind swings again in opposite direction. One hour to go and one hour to come. I will be have another hour in between to sit back relaxed and calmly; listen to Him speaking. But at the back of the mind I will be always thinking of coming back early. So I decided to pull off. The person called me again and when he/she tells me something, it feels like He Himself is calling me. But I decided not to go. I could not talk to Him personally till now. But its through others I have felt His presence. And today when I again feel like its calling me, I can’t go or rather I do not go.

If I look back at the reasons they will be like –

- I need to work. Not that it’s very important. But what I am doing today is something I feel interesting. So I want to do most of it.

- Then there can be a meeting or mostly it will be cancelled. But my responsibility says that I stay back.

- I need to go and do my Kriya. If I go out, I will miss that. But I will be going to meet Him only. Then also in any case I should not miss it too. So I could have done it in the morning. Why did not I get up early?

- I have to meet someone today only. That’s quite important. Though I can meet him/her late night, I did not want to get very late.

- And lastly that time thing that I already told about.

And in between all these I am feeling very low! Recently I have been going through some other important decision making steps. Career, family, responsibilities and many other things. My friends and others have been helping out but their opinions vary. In one thing they all are very sure – it’s not the time to take that one step. I myself understand that. I need to do few things and take care of few more things before that. So I was trying to prepare myself for that. And that one thing itself was causing lots of difficulties. It was all coming to decision making in the end. Few things I wanted to start with but could not. So I was feeling irritated with myself because of that in the first place. And then I always feel He is calling me. They say if it ever happens that you arrive to a spot of making choices then that means you are not walking in the right path. The right path needs no choice, it leads you.

And now already with those confrontations, gets added today’s situation. Since then I have been listening to that one song again and again, repeatedly. It makes me feel more sad, but I just can’t stop that. I feel like whatever is happening (all the good things) because He wishes so. Or because of whatsoever little believe that I have managed to have in Him. I should be grateful to Him and try my best to achieve more from it. But few things in life become an obstacle to this path, which we otherwise term as responsibilities. Trick is to manage a balance between these.

Though I feel extremely sorry I am not going to ask for His forgiveness. Forgiveness lets you forget why you asked for it in the first place and thus you make the same mistakes again. I only pray, that Please give me the strength and the courage, show me the way. And help me keep moving ahead. Whatever happens, whatever comes on the way, help me become better to handle those efficiently. Bless me.

Jai Gurudev!

Today I am very ‘Happy’!

Today I am Very Happy.

Life has been quite busy since last one year. There has been lots of turbulence, doldrums and ups and downs. In one word it had all the drama and the emotions. Office and work was challenging and at the same time very interesting. But at the personal side of the life there has been a lot of pressure. Family, health, friends, carrier and love and life! At times it seems quite difficult. When I looked up there was no one, literally no one. A battle fought standing alone. There was support, but at far distant. There were hands to hold but the reach was not enough. So a grueling battle continued for a long time and finally I along with all my loved ones was able to come out of the misery of the pain and adversities. From nowhere I managed to find some resolute strength within me which helped me through that passage of time.

But even then things did not look very pretty as nothing was certain. There was an uncanny sense of anxiety all through out. I was hoping that we all recover from it as quickly as possible before the next dawn. And finally it happened. I found Him or He found me. That was also long due. I saw him or rather listened to Him for the first and only time (before now) in Two Thousand Two. That was more like a glimpse. But that itself was enough to leave behind an everlasting impact and so it had to happen sometime. And it could not have come to me at a better time than this.

That day itself I learned to remain happy even during the darkest of hours.

But that was not all of it. Could not be. I knew that and I wished He also knows that. And sure He knew too! It was a matter of time. He changed me. He did not try to do it in the first day. It happened gradually. Not during the first course. Not fully during the next course. But at the third time it all opened like a flood gate. It blown me away, not brainwashed. Because with time I learned to accept it. That came with His blessings or at the form of His blessings. Because of that I am changed today, for better. I know how to deal with things better now; I know how to be happy always. And it’s because of His teachings few months back while I was back home; I could talk to my parents like never before. I completely opened up and thus helped my parents to know more about me. I could have never realized unless, that the moment I had grown up; I have actually started to drift away from my parents, their feelings. I never shared my lies and happiness with them, I did not worry about much what they think or want, I could never gave them a hug or say, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’ How I wish how much they wished for all these.

But now things have started to change. As I told I was more open. I could easily share my secrets with them; I could say them all the things that I wanted to. And they listened to all of those very patiently and closely. It felt like I was close to them again. I am sure irrespective of how uncomfortable it was for them to know about my habits, crushes and secrets right from my own mouth, they would have felt much better at the end of it. But still I could not say to them, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’

And so I wanted them to experience the same. I was all the while praying to Him that, ‘Please! Please! Make them come to You they way I have seen it. Let them feel the same.’ And there was instant help. One of my aunty who herself was a teacher came for help. She spoke to my parents. When I asked them to go for the course, they agreed but it could have taken some more time. But with the help of that teacher, I am sure it became much easier. I wanted them to go and do the course, because it was very much required for them. Anxiety, Tension, Stress and Loneliness were their daily accompanies, in spite of all my attempts. They needed Him.

Yesterday when they called up I spoke to them for little over fifteen minutes. Normally it will last for 1-3 minutes maximum knowing about each others health status and at times few new updates. But yesterday I spoke to them about the technique they are going to learn, they experience they are going to have. And it was wonderful. They joined the course.

Today they are going to experience all of it. He has come to them now. Now I pray let this be a journey traveled together forever where they will find the complete peace and happiness. And now I am ready to say, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’

Today I am very very very Happy!

Thank you Guruji!!!

Revelation

No one has read my posts till now. Because I have not published my blog yet. And even if someone by any chance came across my posts wandering somewhere they would have never managed to find out my identity. Because I never told who I am. No one could have even imagined from where I am, because I never provided any reference of any place or location or time, or any characters that can have any kind of links to my identity. So till now as I did not make my posts public and even if someone has already visited the posts, there was no way that one can guess who am I or where am I from.

The idea behind this was – to feel more comfortable. If your identity is not known then I think there you have a better degree of freedom of expressing yourself. You can tell the true stories of your life with some fictitious characters in place or you can put down you true feelings about any person or incident that can not be done in normal circumstances. Now someone can think that this is being a cowardice act and I am lacking a strong voice of opinion. May be true to some extent. But the better part is as I told, having a bit of extra space and allowance in expressing yourself.

So now as the title says, its time for revealing myself. Well, not exactly. Sorry for creating all the hypes, but I am not a renowned face on this earth. I am more like a normal face among the sea of thousands of crowds that you meet daily on the signals around the streets, at your office, bar. But then I like keeping my identity still a secret, because it not only does make me feel more free, open and comfortable; it makes the things a little more interesting for the readers. But at the same time I am realizing that it is becoming more and more difficult to manage like this. I need to come up with a fictitious name or character all the time, which is quite not possible. And the true essence of the posts or the opinions expressed by the author gets lost. The purpose of the whole thing is dead itself. So there are some changes that need to be done. And so I decided still not to tell who am I or give any reference of any characters that can lead to me, but there will be a full reference of the time and place in the coming posts. It helps the readers visualizing the thoughts of the author in a better way.

After that if you can find me out, let me know. Enjoy reading! :-)