Mini And Miki

Since last three weeks I have been going to Gokul’s house in the morning to listen to Narada Bhakti Sutra – the aphorisms’ of love. He has got two cute dogs in his house – named Mini and Miki. The story is about them and the love.

Though I love dogs, I was very careful in the initial days more because I had an open finger in my left foot without the nail. So I did not want to get into more troubles, especially after the scary stories people told me with an uprooted nail. By the way the dogs were also shy, especially Mini. She will just run off whenever she sees someone.

However, slowly and gradually Miki became very fond of me. The moment I will go, he will come to me and stretch and jump and go round-round, whatever he could do with me. And I will be always cautious that he does not close to my left foot. But Mini would never even bother looking at me. That was not very warming.

Come on! I understand I never had a good luck with a girl ever in my life. No girl friend. No love factor. I kind of accepted that and kept on waiting till it happens, with a hope that it will happen sometime. Don’t be misguided. I am quite charming!! Hmmn, but even a dog has this much distaste for me based on gender discrimination. Miki was very frank. But she, ummn hun, no chance. One day I was just calling her waving at her, and she came back shouting. God! I said enough is enough. I do not care if she does not like me. Ladies have some issues anyways.

After few days I see that she goes to another person (a guy only) quite enthusiastically without any provocation and sits beside him and enjoys all the caressing. Okay! What was wrong with me? I could do better than that! You have not seen my skills. But unfortunately, she was still hesitant. And since she already greeted me once with sharp shouts, I was also less interested.

However, on the last day after the talk, I was outside and Mini, Miki both were there. By now Miki was so relaxed that would literally jump on me and put his front legs on my chest. But then Mini also came closer compared to the other days and as I just rubbed her neck she came real close and I knew she was enjoying it. So I touched her back and gently caressed her. But Miki seems to be quite upset with it. He just came in our way and wanted all the attention.

Two things that I understood -

- First one thing we all always strive for is love. Even the animals. A gentle touch, a little caring, a soft kiss, a warm hug. We don’t need violence, hatred, and jealousy. Life is quite beautiful without these when Love is there.

- Secondly, ladies take their own time with me. But when its time, they can’t be without me, they can’t resist! I am waiting for that one special lady …

Jai Gurudev!

Love!

Confusion And Decision

I am so so so confused today! And that made me sad. I promised that whatever happens I will always remain happy, keep smiling. The starting of the day was not that like this. Indeed it was brilliant, great and absolutely amazing! While coming to the office I was thinking of something important and beautiful to do. And while I was swinging my mood between two poles suddenly I get a sign. Someone walks up to me in a signal and gives me a cute compliment. They really made my day and helped me gather the strength to do that important thing. Best part was yet to come. I come to the office and think that I will do that task in the evening before leaving. But things had to become better. The job got done early in the morning only. Or at least the process started. And then the whole day went quite good.

It was in the late evening when things started to become uneasy. I had quite a few tasks on my hand. And all those were important. I was going to take them on one by one and step by step. Then I got a call. People are going to the Ashram and Guruji is leaving tomorrow. So I should go also. Initially I agree, and then remember of the tasks. So hesitate little bit but finally prepare to go and thus reschedule the tasks. But as it got little late to start of, my mind swings again in opposite direction. One hour to go and one hour to come. I will be have another hour in between to sit back relaxed and calmly; listen to Him speaking. But at the back of the mind I will be always thinking of coming back early. So I decided to pull off. The person called me again and when he/she tells me something, it feels like He Himself is calling me. But I decided not to go. I could not talk to Him personally till now. But its through others I have felt His presence. And today when I again feel like its calling me, I can’t go or rather I do not go.

If I look back at the reasons they will be like –

- I need to work. Not that it’s very important. But what I am doing today is something I feel interesting. So I want to do most of it.

- Then there can be a meeting or mostly it will be cancelled. But my responsibility says that I stay back.

- I need to go and do my Kriya. If I go out, I will miss that. But I will be going to meet Him only. Then also in any case I should not miss it too. So I could have done it in the morning. Why did not I get up early?

- I have to meet someone today only. That’s quite important. Though I can meet him/her late night, I did not want to get very late.

- And lastly that time thing that I already told about.

And in between all these I am feeling very low! Recently I have been going through some other important decision making steps. Career, family, responsibilities and many other things. My friends and others have been helping out but their opinions vary. In one thing they all are very sure – it’s not the time to take that one step. I myself understand that. I need to do few things and take care of few more things before that. So I was trying to prepare myself for that. And that one thing itself was causing lots of difficulties. It was all coming to decision making in the end. Few things I wanted to start with but could not. So I was feeling irritated with myself because of that in the first place. And then I always feel He is calling me. They say if it ever happens that you arrive to a spot of making choices then that means you are not walking in the right path. The right path needs no choice, it leads you.

And now already with those confrontations, gets added today’s situation. Since then I have been listening to that one song again and again, repeatedly. It makes me feel more sad, but I just can’t stop that. I feel like whatever is happening (all the good things) because He wishes so. Or because of whatsoever little believe that I have managed to have in Him. I should be grateful to Him and try my best to achieve more from it. But few things in life become an obstacle to this path, which we otherwise term as responsibilities. Trick is to manage a balance between these.

Though I feel extremely sorry I am not going to ask for His forgiveness. Forgiveness lets you forget why you asked for it in the first place and thus you make the same mistakes again. I only pray, that Please give me the strength and the courage, show me the way. And help me keep moving ahead. Whatever happens, whatever comes on the way, help me become better to handle those efficiently. Bless me.

Jai Gurudev!

Why Don’t I write?

If I look back it’s been almost since a year and a half last that I am on Blogger’s list. But till date I have only five posts with me. And quite a few drafts that did just could not manage it to make it finally. Not that I don’t get much of time or any chance to scribble my thoughts over a piece of paper. On the contrary there have been many occasions that I have been really motivated or touched to say something about those incidents and also started with that process. But that’s all about it; I have never been actually able to just finish it off completely.

Now I wonder about it and then decided that why not let’s start writing about this very fact that why am I not writing more and more? So first thing first that I do, is open my drafts folder and see the unfinished work that I have not touched for a long time. What I see is that most of those works are result of some temporary outburst of specific emotions or feelings. For an example a half a dozen of those will be about my thoughts and experiences on love and life. For once, I penned almost all the incidents of my life when I thought that I was in love and tried to remember and have a feel of those moments. And I saw that I was able to complete at least ten stories (real ones) with ten different plots, casts or time. But then left it all of a sudden. I am really not sure why did I do that? May be I thought the memories were better being left with me only and not shared with anyone. But wait a second, till now I have not made my identity or blog pubic yet. Maybe I will not do that ever or even if it’s on, people will not know who it is. So even if someone comes across these posts sometime, the chances are less that they will be ever able to make any references out of all these. But for-what-so-ever-reason I was just never able to finish it or post it.

The other time I again started all over - writing about the same love and life chapter is when I felt that I could still feel love. Because of those ten such incidents, it’s been for quite a moment that I kind of thought that love is not for me and for better, I should be able to give away the whole concept. May be that was one of the reasons that I was not ever able to complete it. But then once for a moment I reinvented the freshness and liveliness of love in life and thought that this time it was special in a way that it made me feel that love is always there. But again the experience could not be shared because the person whom I thought I have loved was not the kind of person whom I should have liked the way I actually liked the person. Not to speculate why, the reason is very simple – not all relationship should have a name. So it was, unfinished again.

Again there have been moments when I was greatly moved by some personal experiences from my life or some external elements. And at those moments what I just used to do is open my notebook and start putting down all those thoughts that was pouring in my mind. In such cases what I always try to do is to complete my work in one try; because if it’s left for later, with time the feelings vanishes and so does all the energy to look back at those moments and wonder what happened then and now? Now what could be the reason for that? Because all those feelings were impulsive in nature? They just came like a wind and left like a storm? Or because they never actually leave any significant impact on our lives? I think it’s quite true as well as very much wrong. Why is that true, because we think so. No matter how strong our feelings are at a certain moments, the very next moment we feel like either it was stupid, funny, embarrassing or completely insane. It’s like the way we want to be happy; always looking for the reasons to be happy. We will wait and wait and wait more, for the moments which we think are huge in terms of achievement or glory in out life, because that’s what makes a complete sense of happiness for us. But those are like once in a decade or something and we find ourselves always waiting for those moments and ignore the present. And thus we ignore all other small incidents which seem to be very trivial to us in terms of its significance and forget about it the very next moment. And so we say it was impulsive. And that’s why it’s very much wrong, because they were strong no matter how small. Because at the end of the day, these are the moments which actually shapes our lives and thoughts; and the way we live.

It’s the same when it comes to expressing ourselves. I for instance have never expressed my love for those persons whom I have loved. Either I thought that if I do so, it will make me feel weak. Or I was never sure that I have found a true love and waited for that one, thus leaving behind what I had at those moments. Similarly, I hardly find people these days laughing out loud and clear, or even for that matter crying for their sorrows and grieve. Like the small funs in search of bigger happiness, all these small moments have become worthless for us. May be birth, death and sometime marriages are the only moments left in our lives when people break away form all the shackles of ego, self-embarrassments and try to live the way they actually are.

Not that I have not realized this fact ever earlier. But like may other thoughts that come and go, this simple realization also seems to be dying again and again deep down my world of understandings. We all are trying to live for the moments which are hard to come by our way and forget all those which makes our day and life. Like these, my thoughts which I have been calling impulsive because I abandon them the next moment have been continuously coming and trying to wake me up and say that, ’Boy, this is who you are! See you true face in the mirror within yourself.’ But I guess I am just shy, weak and scared to accept that and thus always try to control and limit my emotions, the power of expressions. From here on, the only thing I can do and I will always try to do is – at the end of the day, sit back and find one such moment from the last 24 hours that was small but some way or other was very significant for me, because I liked those moments. And I will save and share those moments, my experiences. Because when we express ourselves we just don’t share with others, we share the most of it with us.

Q & A

The very first moment this idea came to mind I thought, ‘Damn! It’s cool.’ Believe me, it’s like a great therapy which unless tried is not well understood. It’s not obviously a quiz or a reality show from the TV soaps which has made the life of many a one remarkably miserable recently where people haplessly spend their valuable time and money not knowing what to do in a hope to make it to way too big in life. But this is much bigger than that and also much simpler which works with magical effects. Actually it does not take more than a moment to realize that it’s indeed a wonderfully fun filled little game that you can play anytime and then die laughing while holding your stomach in your hands. Now before any more bullshit craps you need to know what is this first of all, haan? Well, this is a list of few questions that you got to ask yourself. Now the questions can literally relate to any topic that you can think of - wired, goofy or sloppy. The uglier the sexier, the creepier the better. Depends completely on you, how screwed up your thoughts can be!

Now that’s not all. Once you have found a question to ask yourself please note it down in a piece of paper. Now comes the better part. Human mind works faster, faster than even our thoughts. The moment you found a question your mind will also prompt an answer to it at that very moment and it will be associated to a certain outbreak of expression and emotion that would come out as a result of that question which you would have felt that moment. So what you have to do next is put a single character like %,@,!,?,* as a result of that expression for the question and then note down the answer also that your mind prompted to you that very moment. Now remember, Don’t really start thinking a lot in a way that you know, you want to find the best answer to that question. To make it really interesting just take the first impression that you had about the question. Now ask yourself another question, may be on the same lines or something that will make you feel crazier. Follow this process and try to find a few more questions and answers to those. Once you have done this keep that piece of paper away for sometime. Go, take a walk. Come back and now read out the questions and those answers that you just finished a moment back. How does it work? You will start wondering that could you really ask yourself those questions in a normal situation and more surprisingly if that would have been the same answers you would have given if someone else had asked those questions where you don’t get much time to think about. Now this can be a very funny experience at times. Other times you might not feel very good but remember, hey! That could have been a real awkward situation when faced in front of others. Now at least you have a second thought over it. How does it help? This helps because it brings out the questions those haunt us mostly, questions that we find to address most difficult or question that we really don’t want to deal with in a fear to let others know about it. But your subconscious mind will surface only those questions that really worry you all the time. Normally you will find it tough to voice them but this way you might just end up finding it much easier. And as we said, mind is spontaneous. So it will always tell you what actually you want to do in such a situation. Guess the better part of this; if you can share this with someone very close who knows you well will appreciate this and make you feel better. He might laugh at it, but isn’t it the best part of this whole thing?

To give a small example I will list down few questions that I asked myself one fine day. To have an idea why those questions came to my mind that day you need to know only this much. After fighting with some real life problems at home and at work recently life seemed very monotonous that day, not that it was better earlier. The feeling was always there, ‘Man. This is not working! To hell with this life. I need a change.’ So I said, Well since you need a change what can you do to make it feel more exiting and adventurous. Now after that, the questions or thoughts that came to my mind, I would have never though of ever considering them. But they came because all the time they are there somewhere at the back of my mind and which were to be answered in near future. May be in a different way but at that moment the answers looked like these.

- Q: (Do you want to) Get married - (`? `– initial reaction) A: What? Have you gone nuts? That’s what scares you most and now you want to get married! Moron. Don’t even think about it. Moreover, go first find a girl who knows you truly.

- Q: (How about) Buy a House – (`!` ) A: He he he! You ***, you don’t have enough dough to buy a plot now and you want to have a House. Holy shit! But, but I always wanted to have a big house of mine. Yeah, yeah all that dreams and all, long way to go boy!

- Q: (Can you) Change the job – (*) A: Now you have really proven that you are big time mad! People don’t have a job these days and roaming around the streets to make some money. You want to switch your job! Go die in hell.

- Q: (Finally) Leave everything and leave – (` `) A: That’s the last you could have asked man. Yes, I know, but I always wanted to do something else. This is not where I want to be. What is that something else? You don’t know what you want to do. You don’t even try to do those things that interest you. Where will you go and what will you do leaving all these?

Note: What kind of an opinion you develop of me from these questions and answers that I leave up to you. But that’s what exactly my mind told me when I asked those questions and it could not have felt better at that moment. :-)