If I look back it’s been almost since a year and a half last that I am on Blogger’s list. But till date I have only five posts with me. And quite a few drafts that did just could not manage it to make it finally. Not that I don’t get much of time or any chance to scribble my thoughts over a piece of paper. On the contrary there have been many occasions that I have been really motivated or touched to say something about those incidents and also started with that process. But that’s all about it; I have never been actually able to just finish it off completely.
Now I wonder about it and then decided that why not let’s start writing about this very fact that why am I not writing more and more? So first thing first that I do, is open my drafts folder and see the unfinished work that I have not touched for a long time. What I see is that most of those works are result of some temporary outburst of specific emotions or feelings. For an example a half a dozen of those will be about my thoughts and experiences on love and life. For once, I penned almost all the incidents of my life when I thought that I was in love and tried to remember and have a feel of those moments. And I saw that I was able to complete at least ten stories (real ones) with ten different plots, casts or time. But then left it all of a sudden. I am really not sure why did I do that? May be I thought the memories were better being left with me only and not shared with anyone. But wait a second, till now I have not made my identity or blog pubic yet. Maybe I will not do that ever or even if it’s on, people will not know who it is. So even if someone comes across these posts sometime, the chances are less that they will be ever able to make any references out of all these. But for-what-so-ever-reason I was just never able to finish it or post it.
The other time I again started all over - writing about the same love and life chapter is when I felt that I could still feel love. Because of those ten such incidents, it’s been for quite a moment that I kind of thought that love is not for me and for better, I should be able to give away the whole concept. May be that was one of the reasons that I was not ever able to complete it. But then once for a moment I reinvented the freshness and liveliness of love in life and thought that this time it was special in a way that it made me feel that love is always there. But again the experience could not be shared because the person whom I thought I have loved was not the kind of person whom I should have liked the way I actually liked the person. Not to speculate why, the reason is very simple – not all relationship should have a name. So it was, unfinished again.
Again there have been moments when I was greatly moved by some personal experiences from my life or some external elements. And at those moments what I just used to do is open my notebook and start putting down all those thoughts that was pouring in my mind. In such cases what I always try to do is to complete my work in one try; because if it’s left for later, with time the feelings vanishes and so does all the energy to look back at those moments and wonder what happened then and now? Now what could be the reason for that? Because all those feelings were impulsive in nature? They just came like a wind and left like a storm? Or because they never actually leave any significant impact on our lives? I think it’s quite true as well as very much wrong. Why is that true, because we think so. No matter how strong our feelings are at a certain moments, the very next moment we feel like either it was stupid, funny, embarrassing or completely insane. It’s like the way we want to be happy; always looking for the reasons to be happy. We will wait and wait and wait more, for the moments which we think are huge in terms of achievement or glory in out life, because that’s what makes a complete sense of happiness for us. But those are like once in a decade or something and we find ourselves always waiting for those moments and ignore the present. And thus we ignore all other small incidents which seem to be very trivial to us in terms of its significance and forget about it the very next moment. And so we say it was impulsive. And that’s why it’s very much wrong, because they were strong no matter how small. Because at the end of the day, these are the moments which actually shapes our lives and thoughts; and the way we live.
It’s the same when it comes to expressing ourselves. I for instance have never expressed my love for those persons whom I have loved. Either I thought that if I do so, it will make me feel weak. Or I was never sure that I have found a true love and waited for that one, thus leaving behind what I had at those moments. Similarly, I hardly find people these days laughing out loud and clear, or even for that matter crying for their sorrows and grieve. Like the small funs in search of bigger happiness, all these small moments have become worthless for us. May be birth, death and sometime marriages are the only moments left in our lives when people break away form all the shackles of ego, self-embarrassments and try to live the way they actually are.
Not that I have not realized this fact ever earlier. But like may other thoughts that come and go, this simple realization also seems to be dying again and again deep down my world of understandings. We all are trying to live for the moments which are hard to come by our way and forget all those which makes our day and life. Like these, my thoughts which I have been calling impulsive because I abandon them the next moment have been continuously coming and trying to wake me up and say that, ’Boy, this is who you are! See you true face in the mirror within yourself.’ But I guess I am just shy, weak and scared to accept that and thus always try to control and limit my emotions, the power of expressions. From here on, the only thing I can do and I will always try to do is – at the end of the day, sit back and find one such moment from the last 24 hours that was small but some way or other was very significant for me, because I liked those moments. And I will save and share those moments, my experiences. Because when we express ourselves we just don’t share with others, we share the most of it with us.
