Confusion And Decision

I am so so so confused today! And that made me sad. I promised that whatever happens I will always remain happy, keep smiling. The starting of the day was not that like this. Indeed it was brilliant, great and absolutely amazing! While coming to the office I was thinking of something important and beautiful to do. And while I was swinging my mood between two poles suddenly I get a sign. Someone walks up to me in a signal and gives me a cute compliment. They really made my day and helped me gather the strength to do that important thing. Best part was yet to come. I come to the office and think that I will do that task in the evening before leaving. But things had to become better. The job got done early in the morning only. Or at least the process started. And then the whole day went quite good.

It was in the late evening when things started to become uneasy. I had quite a few tasks on my hand. And all those were important. I was going to take them on one by one and step by step. Then I got a call. People are going to the Ashram and Guruji is leaving tomorrow. So I should go also. Initially I agree, and then remember of the tasks. So hesitate little bit but finally prepare to go and thus reschedule the tasks. But as it got little late to start of, my mind swings again in opposite direction. One hour to go and one hour to come. I will be have another hour in between to sit back relaxed and calmly; listen to Him speaking. But at the back of the mind I will be always thinking of coming back early. So I decided to pull off. The person called me again and when he/she tells me something, it feels like He Himself is calling me. But I decided not to go. I could not talk to Him personally till now. But its through others I have felt His presence. And today when I again feel like its calling me, I can’t go or rather I do not go.

If I look back at the reasons they will be like –

- I need to work. Not that it’s very important. But what I am doing today is something I feel interesting. So I want to do most of it.

- Then there can be a meeting or mostly it will be cancelled. But my responsibility says that I stay back.

- I need to go and do my Kriya. If I go out, I will miss that. But I will be going to meet Him only. Then also in any case I should not miss it too. So I could have done it in the morning. Why did not I get up early?

- I have to meet someone today only. That’s quite important. Though I can meet him/her late night, I did not want to get very late.

- And lastly that time thing that I already told about.

And in between all these I am feeling very low! Recently I have been going through some other important decision making steps. Career, family, responsibilities and many other things. My friends and others have been helping out but their opinions vary. In one thing they all are very sure – it’s not the time to take that one step. I myself understand that. I need to do few things and take care of few more things before that. So I was trying to prepare myself for that. And that one thing itself was causing lots of difficulties. It was all coming to decision making in the end. Few things I wanted to start with but could not. So I was feeling irritated with myself because of that in the first place. And then I always feel He is calling me. They say if it ever happens that you arrive to a spot of making choices then that means you are not walking in the right path. The right path needs no choice, it leads you.

And now already with those confrontations, gets added today’s situation. Since then I have been listening to that one song again and again, repeatedly. It makes me feel more sad, but I just can’t stop that. I feel like whatever is happening (all the good things) because He wishes so. Or because of whatsoever little believe that I have managed to have in Him. I should be grateful to Him and try my best to achieve more from it. But few things in life become an obstacle to this path, which we otherwise term as responsibilities. Trick is to manage a balance between these.

Though I feel extremely sorry I am not going to ask for His forgiveness. Forgiveness lets you forget why you asked for it in the first place and thus you make the same mistakes again. I only pray, that Please give me the strength and the courage, show me the way. And help me keep moving ahead. Whatever happens, whatever comes on the way, help me become better to handle those efficiently. Bless me.

Jai Gurudev!

Today I am very ‘Happy’!

Today I am Very Happy.

Life has been quite busy since last one year. There has been lots of turbulence, doldrums and ups and downs. In one word it had all the drama and the emotions. Office and work was challenging and at the same time very interesting. But at the personal side of the life there has been a lot of pressure. Family, health, friends, carrier and love and life! At times it seems quite difficult. When I looked up there was no one, literally no one. A battle fought standing alone. There was support, but at far distant. There were hands to hold but the reach was not enough. So a grueling battle continued for a long time and finally I along with all my loved ones was able to come out of the misery of the pain and adversities. From nowhere I managed to find some resolute strength within me which helped me through that passage of time.

But even then things did not look very pretty as nothing was certain. There was an uncanny sense of anxiety all through out. I was hoping that we all recover from it as quickly as possible before the next dawn. And finally it happened. I found Him or He found me. That was also long due. I saw him or rather listened to Him for the first and only time (before now) in Two Thousand Two. That was more like a glimpse. But that itself was enough to leave behind an everlasting impact and so it had to happen sometime. And it could not have come to me at a better time than this.

That day itself I learned to remain happy even during the darkest of hours.

But that was not all of it. Could not be. I knew that and I wished He also knows that. And sure He knew too! It was a matter of time. He changed me. He did not try to do it in the first day. It happened gradually. Not during the first course. Not fully during the next course. But at the third time it all opened like a flood gate. It blown me away, not brainwashed. Because with time I learned to accept it. That came with His blessings or at the form of His blessings. Because of that I am changed today, for better. I know how to deal with things better now; I know how to be happy always. And it’s because of His teachings few months back while I was back home; I could talk to my parents like never before. I completely opened up and thus helped my parents to know more about me. I could have never realized unless, that the moment I had grown up; I have actually started to drift away from my parents, their feelings. I never shared my lies and happiness with them, I did not worry about much what they think or want, I could never gave them a hug or say, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’ How I wish how much they wished for all these.

But now things have started to change. As I told I was more open. I could easily share my secrets with them; I could say them all the things that I wanted to. And they listened to all of those very patiently and closely. It felt like I was close to them again. I am sure irrespective of how uncomfortable it was for them to know about my habits, crushes and secrets right from my own mouth, they would have felt much better at the end of it. But still I could not say to them, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’

And so I wanted them to experience the same. I was all the while praying to Him that, ‘Please! Please! Make them come to You they way I have seen it. Let them feel the same.’ And there was instant help. One of my aunty who herself was a teacher came for help. She spoke to my parents. When I asked them to go for the course, they agreed but it could have taken some more time. But with the help of that teacher, I am sure it became much easier. I wanted them to go and do the course, because it was very much required for them. Anxiety, Tension, Stress and Loneliness were their daily accompanies, in spite of all my attempts. They needed Him.

Yesterday when they called up I spoke to them for little over fifteen minutes. Normally it will last for 1-3 minutes maximum knowing about each others health status and at times few new updates. But yesterday I spoke to them about the technique they are going to learn, they experience they are going to have. And it was wonderful. They joined the course.

Today they are going to experience all of it. He has come to them now. Now I pray let this be a journey traveled together forever where they will find the complete peace and happiness. And now I am ready to say, ‘I love you Ma! I love you Baba!’

Today I am very very very Happy!

Thank you Guruji!!!

Revelation

No one has read my posts till now. Because I have not published my blog yet. And even if someone by any chance came across my posts wandering somewhere they would have never managed to find out my identity. Because I never told who I am. No one could have even imagined from where I am, because I never provided any reference of any place or location or time, or any characters that can have any kind of links to my identity. So till now as I did not make my posts public and even if someone has already visited the posts, there was no way that one can guess who am I or where am I from.

The idea behind this was – to feel more comfortable. If your identity is not known then I think there you have a better degree of freedom of expressing yourself. You can tell the true stories of your life with some fictitious characters in place or you can put down you true feelings about any person or incident that can not be done in normal circumstances. Now someone can think that this is being a cowardice act and I am lacking a strong voice of opinion. May be true to some extent. But the better part is as I told, having a bit of extra space and allowance in expressing yourself.

So now as the title says, its time for revealing myself. Well, not exactly. Sorry for creating all the hypes, but I am not a renowned face on this earth. I am more like a normal face among the sea of thousands of crowds that you meet daily on the signals around the streets, at your office, bar. But then I like keeping my identity still a secret, because it not only does make me feel more free, open and comfortable; it makes the things a little more interesting for the readers. But at the same time I am realizing that it is becoming more and more difficult to manage like this. I need to come up with a fictitious name or character all the time, which is quite not possible. And the true essence of the posts or the opinions expressed by the author gets lost. The purpose of the whole thing is dead itself. So there are some changes that need to be done. And so I decided still not to tell who am I or give any reference of any characters that can lead to me, but there will be a full reference of the time and place in the coming posts. It helps the readers visualizing the thoughts of the author in a better way.

After that if you can find me out, let me know. Enjoy reading! :-)

Why Don’t I write?

If I look back it’s been almost since a year and a half last that I am on Blogger’s list. But till date I have only five posts with me. And quite a few drafts that did just could not manage it to make it finally. Not that I don’t get much of time or any chance to scribble my thoughts over a piece of paper. On the contrary there have been many occasions that I have been really motivated or touched to say something about those incidents and also started with that process. But that’s all about it; I have never been actually able to just finish it off completely.

Now I wonder about it and then decided that why not let’s start writing about this very fact that why am I not writing more and more? So first thing first that I do, is open my drafts folder and see the unfinished work that I have not touched for a long time. What I see is that most of those works are result of some temporary outburst of specific emotions or feelings. For an example a half a dozen of those will be about my thoughts and experiences on love and life. For once, I penned almost all the incidents of my life when I thought that I was in love and tried to remember and have a feel of those moments. And I saw that I was able to complete at least ten stories (real ones) with ten different plots, casts or time. But then left it all of a sudden. I am really not sure why did I do that? May be I thought the memories were better being left with me only and not shared with anyone. But wait a second, till now I have not made my identity or blog pubic yet. Maybe I will not do that ever or even if it’s on, people will not know who it is. So even if someone comes across these posts sometime, the chances are less that they will be ever able to make any references out of all these. But for-what-so-ever-reason I was just never able to finish it or post it.

The other time I again started all over - writing about the same love and life chapter is when I felt that I could still feel love. Because of those ten such incidents, it’s been for quite a moment that I kind of thought that love is not for me and for better, I should be able to give away the whole concept. May be that was one of the reasons that I was not ever able to complete it. But then once for a moment I reinvented the freshness and liveliness of love in life and thought that this time it was special in a way that it made me feel that love is always there. But again the experience could not be shared because the person whom I thought I have loved was not the kind of person whom I should have liked the way I actually liked the person. Not to speculate why, the reason is very simple – not all relationship should have a name. So it was, unfinished again.

Again there have been moments when I was greatly moved by some personal experiences from my life or some external elements. And at those moments what I just used to do is open my notebook and start putting down all those thoughts that was pouring in my mind. In such cases what I always try to do is to complete my work in one try; because if it’s left for later, with time the feelings vanishes and so does all the energy to look back at those moments and wonder what happened then and now? Now what could be the reason for that? Because all those feelings were impulsive in nature? They just came like a wind and left like a storm? Or because they never actually leave any significant impact on our lives? I think it’s quite true as well as very much wrong. Why is that true, because we think so. No matter how strong our feelings are at a certain moments, the very next moment we feel like either it was stupid, funny, embarrassing or completely insane. It’s like the way we want to be happy; always looking for the reasons to be happy. We will wait and wait and wait more, for the moments which we think are huge in terms of achievement or glory in out life, because that’s what makes a complete sense of happiness for us. But those are like once in a decade or something and we find ourselves always waiting for those moments and ignore the present. And thus we ignore all other small incidents which seem to be very trivial to us in terms of its significance and forget about it the very next moment. And so we say it was impulsive. And that’s why it’s very much wrong, because they were strong no matter how small. Because at the end of the day, these are the moments which actually shapes our lives and thoughts; and the way we live.

It’s the same when it comes to expressing ourselves. I for instance have never expressed my love for those persons whom I have loved. Either I thought that if I do so, it will make me feel weak. Or I was never sure that I have found a true love and waited for that one, thus leaving behind what I had at those moments. Similarly, I hardly find people these days laughing out loud and clear, or even for that matter crying for their sorrows and grieve. Like the small funs in search of bigger happiness, all these small moments have become worthless for us. May be birth, death and sometime marriages are the only moments left in our lives when people break away form all the shackles of ego, self-embarrassments and try to live the way they actually are.

Not that I have not realized this fact ever earlier. But like may other thoughts that come and go, this simple realization also seems to be dying again and again deep down my world of understandings. We all are trying to live for the moments which are hard to come by our way and forget all those which makes our day and life. Like these, my thoughts which I have been calling impulsive because I abandon them the next moment have been continuously coming and trying to wake me up and say that, ’Boy, this is who you are! See you true face in the mirror within yourself.’ But I guess I am just shy, weak and scared to accept that and thus always try to control and limit my emotions, the power of expressions. From here on, the only thing I can do and I will always try to do is – at the end of the day, sit back and find one such moment from the last 24 hours that was small but some way or other was very significant for me, because I liked those moments. And I will save and share those moments, my experiences. Because when we express ourselves we just don’t share with others, we share the most of it with us.

After all... He is Roger Federer.

Even before I start, let me make a point which I have felt strongly for long enough and probably so do others. If you really like something you will always like it. It makes more sense here to say this way that if you are a real supporter of someone you will always support him whether or not at the end of the day he is a winner or not. For me I have been always a blind supporter of Real Madrid. It never mattered to me if Barcelona was the Spanish league champion or Manchester United was the European champion. I have been always following Michael Schumacher and Ferrari. So even though Michael did not win the championship in his last career season or even after he was long gone and someone like Jenson Button is cruising all the way this year, I have been a follower of only Ferrari. And I like Roger Federer. After Andre Agassi for me Tennis meant nothing but Federer.

Now though I don’t want to justify his position as one of the greatest players in the history of Tennis here, I can’t find myself from being stopped doing that. More so because after his triumph at this years Roland Garros. This was important for him and everyone who believed in him. This was one trophy which remained invincible for his entire career, which eluded him for ages and ages. In last four years he lost it in one semi-final and three consecutive finals. This year he fought heard. After surviving early round scares he came back from two set to none down in the pre-quarter final against Hass. He had a comfortable outing against Monfils in the last eight. However he was really tested be Del Porto in a grueling five setter in the semis. He was down by one set, made a come back to lose the third and then stormed through the last two sets. And so came the final. One more time. Lots of questions, lots of anxiety. The buzz was always there in the wind, ‘Can he take up the pressure?’, ‘He is not at his best’, ‘Soderling will crush him with his big forehand’ and so on and so on. And he showed that people need not to worry about his competency or forms in any way. As the match started my friend asked me, ‘What do you think? How many sets it will go to?’ I said, ‘Three and it will be him’. He broke Soderling and was holding his serve in the second game of first set by that time. Probably it was too early to say so, but I just felt that. The first set was over even before anyone was getting into the mood. Second set was a well fought one by Soderling, but Federer was too good for him in the tie-break. And then it was very clear Federer will cry once more today, but not being the second but being the one who he truly deserved to be. And so he was the champion! So how good an ending is this, what do you say? Sixth person to win all major titles, record equaling 14 Grand Slams with Sampras, 19^th appearance in the final of all the major championships and most consecutive to do so. And many more. Is not that something special? Really does not matter who you are fan of; you have to give this guy his due credit for this.

But that one thing will always keep this topic long alive. The fact that he did not have to face Nadal after all in the final! If it was Nadal against him in the final he would have never won it. Most Nadal fans will think so. May be it would have been nothing but the truth, a truth which Federer followers would have never liked to see coming true. And then the obvious debate came into picture – Is Federer the greatest among all? Again there were people who had to compare him with others. But on the basis of what? Just some records. Or how many times he has won it? The question which I feel most awkward that people are asking now after his win over French Open is about his supremacy and how best he is. So now I understand, that’s one more criterion to consider someone to be the best – someone who has won all the four major trophies. Nadal fans, then forget it. He has a long way to go. What's more? Sampras is then probably will never be the greatest, because he has nave own at Roland Garros! Seems like the other 14 just does not count. Now I didn’t mean to compare Sampras, Nadal and Federer on the basic of these. Sampras was undoubtedly one of the best among the best and Nadal will probably even be better than Federer by the end of his career. But very unfortunate to see, that’s what is exactly happening. I know very little to judge someone’s creditability here which was built over a period of lifetimes hard work and dedication. But isn’t what people have been doing all along? Critics are always welcomed to me, but don’t impose your ideas of judging someone’s greatness on the basis of some records or to the fact whom he played against and how many times.

And talk about skills, performance, and consistency? It will never be a true comparison to Federer’s achievements. Talk about 60s and 70s and even during the era of Sampras. Then there was one king. And there were others who always followed the king. During most of their career span they ruled the Tennis world without much of a challenge to face. And have a look at now. There is no king. Because any day everyone’s king. Nadal and Federer are far better than others, but Murray, Roddick, Davydenko, Djokovic everyone is a great player of Tennis. And last but not least to add to the records book; playing against all of them Federer was the number 1 player in the world of Tennis for a whopping 237 consecutive weeks. Hmmn, how does that sound? Very easy to do? I will wait to see who breaks that! May be all the best to Nadal.

Let's for a moment forget about everyone else! Let’s have a true debate on who is better – Nadal or Federer. I have friends who are true fans of Nadal and they often say that, ‘Look at Nadal! He is just 22 and what has he done already!’ Very true. I really believe that he has already done enough to his reputation and only is at his beginning. He has a long long way to go and it can only improve with time. Also this is a very simple fact; he has been a true competitor for Federer. Holds a 5-2 record against him in the major finals, and he is the one who could stop Federer from having sixth straight victory at Wimbledon. But man Federer is Federer. There is no comparison to him. Forget about the records, he has been a true sportsman who has promoted Tennis better than anyone else all over the world for a decade now. He has been gracious not only with the wins but his loses on numerous occasions. He has been someone with the most simplistic approach towards Tennis and life and yet made it look so extraordinary! A game after all is a game. There will be the records, there will be the critics and most importantly there will be always some comparisons. But at the end of the day what matters most is how good a person someone can be. How do you feel about your own deeds and yet make it look so simple? And the way the tears rolled down from Federer’s eyes after yesterday’s final, there was nothing fake about it, it was just a simple outburst of his emotions and feeling that he has kept alive long within him even after failures and failures. Others can only be a shadow of him. There is only one – and that’s Roger Federer!

Q & A

The very first moment this idea came to mind I thought, ‘Damn! It’s cool.’ Believe me, it’s like a great therapy which unless tried is not well understood. It’s not obviously a quiz or a reality show from the TV soaps which has made the life of many a one remarkably miserable recently where people haplessly spend their valuable time and money not knowing what to do in a hope to make it to way too big in life. But this is much bigger than that and also much simpler which works with magical effects. Actually it does not take more than a moment to realize that it’s indeed a wonderfully fun filled little game that you can play anytime and then die laughing while holding your stomach in your hands. Now before any more bullshit craps you need to know what is this first of all, haan? Well, this is a list of few questions that you got to ask yourself. Now the questions can literally relate to any topic that you can think of - wired, goofy or sloppy. The uglier the sexier, the creepier the better. Depends completely on you, how screwed up your thoughts can be!

Now that’s not all. Once you have found a question to ask yourself please note it down in a piece of paper. Now comes the better part. Human mind works faster, faster than even our thoughts. The moment you found a question your mind will also prompt an answer to it at that very moment and it will be associated to a certain outbreak of expression and emotion that would come out as a result of that question which you would have felt that moment. So what you have to do next is put a single character like %,@,!,?,* as a result of that expression for the question and then note down the answer also that your mind prompted to you that very moment. Now remember, Don’t really start thinking a lot in a way that you know, you want to find the best answer to that question. To make it really interesting just take the first impression that you had about the question. Now ask yourself another question, may be on the same lines or something that will make you feel crazier. Follow this process and try to find a few more questions and answers to those. Once you have done this keep that piece of paper away for sometime. Go, take a walk. Come back and now read out the questions and those answers that you just finished a moment back. How does it work? You will start wondering that could you really ask yourself those questions in a normal situation and more surprisingly if that would have been the same answers you would have given if someone else had asked those questions where you don’t get much time to think about. Now this can be a very funny experience at times. Other times you might not feel very good but remember, hey! That could have been a real awkward situation when faced in front of others. Now at least you have a second thought over it. How does it help? This helps because it brings out the questions those haunt us mostly, questions that we find to address most difficult or question that we really don’t want to deal with in a fear to let others know about it. But your subconscious mind will surface only those questions that really worry you all the time. Normally you will find it tough to voice them but this way you might just end up finding it much easier. And as we said, mind is spontaneous. So it will always tell you what actually you want to do in such a situation. Guess the better part of this; if you can share this with someone very close who knows you well will appreciate this and make you feel better. He might laugh at it, but isn’t it the best part of this whole thing?

To give a small example I will list down few questions that I asked myself one fine day. To have an idea why those questions came to my mind that day you need to know only this much. After fighting with some real life problems at home and at work recently life seemed very monotonous that day, not that it was better earlier. The feeling was always there, ‘Man. This is not working! To hell with this life. I need a change.’ So I said, Well since you need a change what can you do to make it feel more exiting and adventurous. Now after that, the questions or thoughts that came to my mind, I would have never though of ever considering them. But they came because all the time they are there somewhere at the back of my mind and which were to be answered in near future. May be in a different way but at that moment the answers looked like these.

- Q: (Do you want to) Get married - (`? `– initial reaction) A: What? Have you gone nuts? That’s what scares you most and now you want to get married! Moron. Don’t even think about it. Moreover, go first find a girl who knows you truly.

- Q: (How about) Buy a House – (`!` ) A: He he he! You ***, you don’t have enough dough to buy a plot now and you want to have a House. Holy shit! But, but I always wanted to have a big house of mine. Yeah, yeah all that dreams and all, long way to go boy!

- Q: (Can you) Change the job – (*) A: Now you have really proven that you are big time mad! People don’t have a job these days and roaming around the streets to make some money. You want to switch your job! Go die in hell.

- Q: (Finally) Leave everything and leave – (` `) A: That’s the last you could have asked man. Yes, I know, but I always wanted to do something else. This is not where I want to be. What is that something else? You don’t know what you want to do. You don’t even try to do those things that interest you. Where will you go and what will you do leaving all these?

Note: What kind of an opinion you develop of me from these questions and answers that I leave up to you. But that’s what exactly my mind told me when I asked those questions and it could not have felt better at that moment. :-)